when I never believed I'd be "good enough" for God

I don't know about you, but back in the day before I knew Jesus, the Bible seemed like a whole 'lot of nothing to me. As I sat in Sunday school and flipped through the dust filled pages of my own Bible, I realized that I did not feel any type of real life connection to the "ancient" book that was sitting in front of me. I felt like I would never be "holy enough" for God, so what was the point of flipping through this massive book that God Himself had apparently written 2,000 years ago anyway?

You see, the message that was preached to me all throughout my childhood about God was all about working for God's love and favor. According to how the old Jessica used to think about God, I needed get baptized ASAP in order to make myself a better Christian, and I also needed to make sure that I attended church every Sunday for the rest of my life, no excuses, or else God would be mad at me forever. God to me just seemed like an angry man up there in the clouds ordering around those He felt to be "worthy enough" of receiving His love for them.

This was it? I told myself. This was Christianity? No wonder this religion has so many phonies anyway, I thought to myself. God just seemed so distant, and as much as I wanted to know and understand Him more, I didn't know how.  How could I ever match up too all of these perfect Christians around me? That would never happen. I never felt that I would be good enough for God. I figured to myself that instead of trying to become a better Christian,  I would strive to build my social status and make new friends. I knew that I received a lot of happiness from making new friends in my life, and I knew that I absolutely loved people. God however, and that whole "Christianity" thing, was just not working out for me.

Although there was nothing wrong for me to have a goal of making new friends in my life, God wasn't at the heart and center of it all, making me doomed for failure. As time went on and I eventually was hurt by some of my friends of the past, I began to become so wounded and helpless, and I wondered if there was anyone out there who could heal my heart. This is about when God established His presence in my life so evidently that I was able to finally understand that Christianity in-fact is not a religion. Christianity is not a bunch of rules based on doing things to get better for God. Christianity is all about a relationship with Jesus, and approaching His throne of grace boldly and confidently.

Does this mean we can receive a "hall pass" for every sin in our life and do whatever we want? absolutely not, and I'd say if you are even considering that question, then you really don't love or know Jesus at all. Not to sound harsh or anything, but thats the truth. When you really come to know and love Jesus, you really love Him, and the last thing you want to do is sin against Him intentionally. That's how real and relational God is- it hurts His heart too when we cheat against Him. He becomes your father. The one that you look up to the most. The one who is always there to catch you when you stumble or make a mistake.

So my friends, tired of going to church every Sunday, calling yourself a Christian, and still feeling empty on the inside regardless? It's time to get real with God. It's time to stop doing life your way, and start letting God take over. It's time to see God for who He really is, and start treating Him like the God of the universe as He truly is. After all, how are you ever going to really know God without responding to Him in this way? The Bible says we must come to God like little children (Matthew 18:3). This means, no matter how old you are, or what type of crisis you are in, you must depend on your heavenly father for each and every circumstance...just as a little child does with his father. 

Love always, Jess


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