My fear of being alone

Hey friends! How are the each of you doing? I am enjoying my last days of summer until I begin training for graduate school in a couple of weeks.

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Today I woke up and began thinking about this blog of mine that I love so much. I love how I have grown through my relationship with God by making this blog and writing out different posts. I don't know why though, but for some reason lately I haven't had much of a desire to write posts for my blog. It's been driving me crazy that I've been feeling this way, so today I decided today to ask the Lord to reignite the flame in my heart to start writing blog posts again. So here I am now, writing a post to my lovely blog friends and updating y'all on my life. 

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that I was going to be alone in my new house for about a month until school started. This initially made me very upset, because I was so used to having at least one of my roommates around.  I was angry at God when this news came, and I selfishly questioned why He would want me to be alone. "Why are you DOING this to me God?!" "Don't you want me to be around other Christians?!" Although I did have a big community of other Christians in town who I could hang out with for the remainder of the summer, I felt that it was more important for me to at least be living with other people. I didn't want to be by myself, and I didn't understand why God, who knew me better than anyone else, would want me to be living by myself for the remainder of the summer. 

Up until the very moment where I was officially alone in our house, I was scared to death of what it would feel like to be alone. God had given me the clear answer in my heart by letting me know that He indeed did want me to stay where I was for the rest of the summer, but what I wanted to know was WHY  He wanted me to be all by myself. I didn't understand what God was doing, so I did what I guess any normal human being would do: worry. What would I do by myself? Was God doing this to me because He was mad at me? I was an emotional wreck and my mind was all over the place, and I wasn't giving God any chance whatsoever to let in His perspective on the situation.

When I was finally alone and living by myself, at first I felt very uncomfortable, and also pretty lonely. I didn't like not having someone to talk to when I came home at random times throughout the day, or having someone to watch TV with. But as time went on, I was beginning to notice that I really didn't feel alone, even though technically I was. During this whole period of living by myself, I've felt as if God has been right next to me the entire time, talking with me and laughing with me all throughout the day (yes, God certainly does have a sense of humor! After all, He created humor!). I don't feel alone at all, and I have no doubt that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Instead of feeling lonely as I feared I would, I have only felt God cover me with His love, joy, and peace the entire time.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

Deuteronomy 31:8 

 Although I am looking forward to having my roommates back here with me in my house soon, I am thankful that God allowed for me to live alone for a period of time. I learned so much more about who God truly is through this experience. It doesn't matter if I'm by myself or with a million people, as long as I reflect on the truth that God is with me, all my fears wash away. I can either waste my time worrying about the future, or instead  choose to keep my focus set on God and His presence that is always with me. 

I am thankful for God's grace, because I needed a heck of a lot of it to get to where I am now. I wasted a lot of time complaining to God about my circumstances, when instead I should have been praising Him for all that He has blessed me with. I also wasted a lot of time worrying about the future, when I really had nothing to worry about all along. God truly is the best teacher, and I love the fact that I am able to come into His presence every day and seek to know Him more intimately. 

Love always, Jess 

When God seems far away

    

After spending the weekend with my family, I realized something felt different inside of me. There was some kind of barrier between my relationship with God that was blocking the intimate connection with Him that I was so used to feeling. Where was He? I didn't know what to do with myself, so I began to habitually read through some of my daily devotions in hopes that the Lord's presence would once again feel near. 

     You see, this situation is something that I have experienced many times before, yet I somehow still find myself oblivious of how I arrive to this point every time I get here. After sitting down for awhile and trying to figure out why I felt so weird about my relationship with God, I realized that I had said and done some things this weekend around my family that I needed to ask God forgiveness for. I had selfishly gossiped about people of my past, and today. I had turned my face from the Lord ever so quickly, by choosing insecurity instead of glorifying Him in all that I do. It had happened quicker than a blink of the eye. There my sin was once again, sprawled out for me to see. My selfishness, my ugliness, the side of me that Jesus died for me on the cross for. The person that I used to be.

I hate seeing and experiencing the "old Jessica", but the truth of the matter is that although I am a new creation in Christ, there is still a deadly disease lurking inside of me that will never go away. Yep, its with me for life, along with the rest of you as well.  This disease whirling around inside of me is typically referred to by the name of sin, or in other words everything that is not of God. Let me give you some examples: fighting, hatred, cussing, lustful thoughts/actions, gossiping...you get the point. As much as I hate re-living the old me, thankfully I have a savior who chooses to throw it all away, every single day of my life. The guilt I had felt for my actions is suddenly gone, and I no longer have to carry any shame. All I simply had to do is ask for God to forgive me for messing up, and He puts the matter behind me.

The closer I get to Jesus, the more I want nothing to do with sin. Most importantly though, the closer I get to Jesus, the more aware I become of my own sin. I have realized that a relationship with Jesus means that we must make forgiveness from Him in our lives a daily habit. Even when we feel like we had some sort of "right" to act the way that we did, God's word and his conviction in our own lives has the upper hand, and we when He calls us to forgive, we must do it. It's that tugging, gnawing feeling on your heart, and you know when its there. Please don't ignore it like I did for so many years, I wasted so much precious time. I believe that God puts that heavy-weight feeling in your heart to bring your attention back to Him and to draw you toward repentance. He's not doing it because He's mad at you, He's doing it because He loves you, and because He is acting how a typical father acts who loves his own child that he has to discipline. 

At the end of the day, I may seem like I have it all together, but the truth is, I really don't. I'm just a normal girl, living in this fallen world that desperately needs Jesus.  I'm a sinner who is unworthy of anything that I receive from God,  yet God still loves me unconditionally and tells me that I have amazing value in Him. I love how God uses simple, ordinary people like you and me, to show how powerful He is through our many weaknesses.  

"Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful."

1 Corinthians 1:27

How do the each of you make it a habit to acknowledge your own sin? Do you guys struggle with recognizing it right away as I typically do? I'd love to hear what you all have to say on this topic! Lots of love to the all of you my friends! :)

Love always, Jess

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Happy Thursday Everyone!

     I am happy to announce I managed to FINALLY figure out how to add the "follower" gadget to my page. Whew, this blogging stuff is complicated! I'm just glad it didn't take me over 2 months to figure out. Haha. I feel the Lord calling me to blog more and more, and I am thrilled! I am super passionate about blogging, I don't know what it is. I love to write, especially about what the Lord is doing in my life.

     Yesterday, I went to go pick up my cap and gown for my college graduation this June. What a surreal feeling it was, let me tell you. These past four years have been full of such significant changes in my life. So much growth, and so much more growth to come. I am thankful to the place where God has brought me. I am also excited to see what the future holds, however that doesn't mean that I'm not scared about the future. In fact, I am terrified when I think that far in advance, but thankfully the Lord is there to remind me to keep my mindset in the PRESENT. That is honestly the only way I can ever have peace in my life.  

      Right now I am in period of waiting in my life. I am waiting to see what the answer is from the Lord on what to do next year. I am waiting on answers on him if I should go to graduate school or not, I am waiting on him to see who he wants me to live with, I am waiting on him for his direction in new relationships, I am waiting on him to continue to heal me in all those little places where he still hasn't touched me yet. I wanted to share with y'all some scripture on waiting on the Lord and why this is such a significant part in our relationship with Him. More specifically, waiting on Him with patience. Waiting on Him with trust. Waiting on Him with contentment.

A couple of my favorite Bible verses about waiting on the LORD: "Wait patiently for the Lord.

    Be brave and courageous.

    Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." 

Psalm 27:14

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

     They will walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31 

      I love these verses because they speak so much truth. When I'm waiting on the Lord, I should be strong and courageous and trust that He will provide for all of my needs. I fail to do this a lot of the time, but I know that at the end of the day that God will provide for me. Sometimes my faith in the Lord my waver, but that doesn't mean He has given up on me. He is always there, encouraging me to come back into His loving arms. I have SO much more to learn from Him. That is how it is always going to be in my relationship with the Lord. Growing, Learning, Becoming more like the one who saved me.

     What are some of the things you struggle with in trusting God to provide for you? Have you confessed this to Him and given Him the chance to speak some truth into your life? Speak, He's listening!

      My FAVORITE song right now? This one!

  It's soooo good! I can't stop playing it.

     My favorite show right now? Well here's a little hint...:D

      What can I say, I'm addicted and it's hilarious!

         Hope you all have a beautiful rest of your day today!

       xoxo