When God seems far away

    

After spending the weekend with my family, I realized something felt different inside of me. There was some kind of barrier between my relationship with God that was blocking the intimate connection with Him that I was so used to feeling. Where was He? I didn't know what to do with myself, so I began to habitually read through some of my daily devotions in hopes that the Lord's presence would once again feel near. 

     You see, this situation is something that I have experienced many times before, yet I somehow still find myself oblivious of how I arrive to this point every time I get here. After sitting down for awhile and trying to figure out why I felt so weird about my relationship with God, I realized that I had said and done some things this weekend around my family that I needed to ask God forgiveness for. I had selfishly gossiped about people of my past, and today. I had turned my face from the Lord ever so quickly, by choosing insecurity instead of glorifying Him in all that I do. It had happened quicker than a blink of the eye. There my sin was once again, sprawled out for me to see. My selfishness, my ugliness, the side of me that Jesus died for me on the cross for. The person that I used to be.

I hate seeing and experiencing the "old Jessica", but the truth of the matter is that although I am a new creation in Christ, there is still a deadly disease lurking inside of me that will never go away. Yep, its with me for life, along with the rest of you as well.  This disease whirling around inside of me is typically referred to by the name of sin, or in other words everything that is not of God. Let me give you some examples: fighting, hatred, cussing, lustful thoughts/actions, gossiping...you get the point. As much as I hate re-living the old me, thankfully I have a savior who chooses to throw it all away, every single day of my life. The guilt I had felt for my actions is suddenly gone, and I no longer have to carry any shame. All I simply had to do is ask for God to forgive me for messing up, and He puts the matter behind me.

The closer I get to Jesus, the more I want nothing to do with sin. Most importantly though, the closer I get to Jesus, the more aware I become of my own sin. I have realized that a relationship with Jesus means that we must make forgiveness from Him in our lives a daily habit. Even when we feel like we had some sort of "right" to act the way that we did, God's word and his conviction in our own lives has the upper hand, and we when He calls us to forgive, we must do it. It's that tugging, gnawing feeling on your heart, and you know when its there. Please don't ignore it like I did for so many years, I wasted so much precious time. I believe that God puts that heavy-weight feeling in your heart to bring your attention back to Him and to draw you toward repentance. He's not doing it because He's mad at you, He's doing it because He loves you, and because He is acting how a typical father acts who loves his own child that he has to discipline. 

At the end of the day, I may seem like I have it all together, but the truth is, I really don't. I'm just a normal girl, living in this fallen world that desperately needs Jesus.  I'm a sinner who is unworthy of anything that I receive from God,  yet God still loves me unconditionally and tells me that I have amazing value in Him. I love how God uses simple, ordinary people like you and me, to show how powerful He is through our many weaknesses.  

"Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful."

1 Corinthians 1:27

How do the each of you make it a habit to acknowledge your own sin? Do you guys struggle with recognizing it right away as I typically do? I'd love to hear what you all have to say on this topic! Lots of love to the all of you my friends! :)

Love always, Jess

VLOG! How God has changed me this summer

Hey friends! Today's vlog I'm sharing with you guys how mind-blowingly fast God has changed my heart this summer and taught me many wonderful things! I narrowed it down to three specific things to share with you all that the Lord has taught me. I think it's important to be vulnerable and also for me to share my past with the each of you wonderful friends. God has redeemed me from so much, and it would be a shame to keep any part of my journey with Him a secret. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think! 

ps- thank you ALL for your wonderful comments on my post a couple days ago about my blogger burnout. I loved reading each one of them, and I felt so loved and encouraged by the each of you! **Some lovely guest poster's are coming your way soon on here..be on the lookout!**

Sorry this one is a little bit long, I didn't realize I was up to 10 minutes by the time I was finished! I tried to make it as un-boring as possible for you all :)  I laughed out loud as I heard that freakishly loud truck in the background in the middle of the video.

PS- Click HERE to like Forever Convinced on Facebook and click HERE to follow Jess on Instagram!

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Forgiveness used to seem like such a simple concept to me. When I would overhear people say "Forgiveness is hard!" I never understood them. "How could forgiveness be hard?" I thought to myself when I would hear them say that. However at that point in my life, the only circumstances I had experienced involving forgiveness were with my brother asking for me to forgive him for stealing my toy, or pinching me in the arm.

Then the pain came. Somebody hurt me so bad, that I never imagined I would be able to truly forgive them. Or, better yet, I convinced myself that I somehow HAD forgiven them, but on the inside I really hadn't. My thoughts said "yes!" but my heart was saying "NO." My version of forgiveness involved me simply running away from the past and that painful situation, and pretending it never happened. I believed that by holding onto that pain of what that person did to me, then somehow I could mask it all up and pretend that it never actually happened.

THEN I met Jesus. From the start, Jesus started renewing every bit of my life. There was no masking with this guy. Although I was uncomfortable with the way Jesus boldly entered every door of my life, I saw He was working for my good. "Um...alright God, I really don't want to go there, let alone even talk about that situation, but if you insist..." was my typically kind of response to how Jesus would confront and begin to heal many areas of my life and past.

And finally one day, not too long ago, Jesus came to the door of my forgiveness situation, knocking boldly as ever. Jesus was not happy about this situation, not on bit. He said to me: "Jessica, you have certainly not forgiven this person. Your wound is still there. No matter how many times you bury it, it will always resurface unless you give the pain of that experience to me. Now, please let me heal you so you can truly move forward with your life, in joy and peace."

And my response to Jesus when He said this to me was this: "But God! I HAVE forgiven this person. I'm serious. It's behind me, I'm over it, I'm all good."

As I said this to Jesus, all of a sudden I imagined myself sitting there with that person, talking with them over conversation at dinner. Within seconds after sitting down with them, I immediately imagined  myself throwing a diet coke in their face and then chucking the deuces at them while saying
"PEACE OUT!"

...oops. Maybe I was a kinda-sorta still upset about the whole thing. And a little bit mad at them.

So God, you were right all along. It looks like I really haven't forgiven this person, but now I really am committing to making it happen. I see that it is going to be a process that takes effort and discipline. My emotions will typically go against me in this process, but I must deny them in order to obey you. I want to be set free from my past, and I want to forgive this person.

"Make allowance for each others faults, and forgive anyone who offend you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."

Colossians 3:13

So friends, forgiveness is hard. We may be weak, but our God is strong. Has God called you to forgive someone whom you have no intention of ever forgiving? Remember, if you work with God and rely on His strength instead of yours to help you forgive that person, you will be set free!  Your bitterness, anger, and hurt for that person will be gone. My prayer today is that we each rely on God's ability instead of our own to forgive those who have hurt us in our lives.

Love always, Jess