Tuesday, June 4, 2013

my confession to God: I'm no better than them

“But even after all he did, you refused to trust the Lord your God,
  who goes before you looking for the best places to camp, guiding you with a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day."
Deuteronomy 1:32-33

I remember reading this chapter in Deuteronomy awhile back and thinking to myself: "Wow, the Israelites were horrible believers! I am so much better than them!" Thankfully today I am able to understand that I am just like these stubborn Israelites, who doubted God and often desired to figure their lives out on their own, apart from God.

Over the weekend, believe it or not, I was beginning to waver a little bit again in trusting God to provide for my future. "God, help me to trust you! I believe in you God, but help me overcome my unbelief!" These were some of the things I was talking to God about. I was beginning to look at my circumstances with a human perspective, and my mind was drifting away from the present.  My problem is that I want an answer to everything right away. I don't like things to be up in the air, at all. Even when God clearly tells me what the answer to my question is inside my heart, I still have a problem with waiting without a tangible answer to my question. Geez Jessica, get it together. haha. But seriously ;)

Anyways, I pulled out my journal when I was going through this period over the weekend where I was doubting God. I was honestly just plain annoyed with myself. I had to be crazy, didn't I? God had just answered one of my BIGGEST prayers, yet already I was beginning to become fearful of the future again and overwhelmed with the obstacles I saw ahead of me. What is wrong with me Lord, How could I possibly be doubting you again?  I then opened my journal, and I started reading something I had written about a week ago on the night where I had been really upset with God about not finding someone to live with this summer and next year. It was the night where I had nearly lost all hope. After reading this in my journal,  I closed it right away and told God that I was sorry. Even on that night a week ago when I was faithless, God still was faithful to me and answered my desperate prayer to Him the next day! That night a week ago I was full of tears and losing hope, and God answered my prayer and filled my heart with joy, the NEXT DAY. The fact that I was actually doubting Him again was laughable!

So yeah, this is actually pretty embarrassing sharing this with you guys on this post that I already have doubted God so soon after He provided for me and responded to my prayer. I'm just a girl in desperate need of His grace, and I am so thankful He chooses to still love me and be faithful to me even when I doubt Him and let my fears control me. God is good, friends! What scares you guys the most about the future? How is God helping you to conquer your fears and stay strong in His plan for you? I'd love to hear! :)

I don't know what you are currently going through, but I do know that God desperately wants to step in and allow for you to let Him do His thing. It's a little awkward at first, you know, not being in control of your life. {I mean clearly, look at me!} But after awhile, you kind of just get used to it, and simply just "sit back, and enjoy the ride." Although I still struggle with being comfortable with God in control of my life, I am making progress! and that's a beautiful thing.

 It's a big and scary world out there friends, and I am thankful to have God as my security blanket, my guide to life,  and my peace that always goes with me.

xo, I love you guys!


  1. Love that verse! I still can't believe we are going through almost the same exact thing! Trust The Lord my dear! He is with you and has the best plan for you!

  2. You are always writing exactly what is on my heart.<3

  3. Speaking to my heart as well. I think a pile of us are going thru something that we dont speak about on blog b/c we are ashamed of what others will say. There's one that wont be ashamed in what we have to say and that is God so yes TRUST IN HIM.

  4. Don't be embarassed, I'm with Brittany, this is my heart too.

  5. I remember reading through some stories in the Bible, thinking that I am not like these people or I am better than them, but you're right, we're just like them all! I love how God's word is so relevant, universal and personal all at the same time. I remember a song lyric that goes like this: "I opened up the Bible and I read about me." It's so awesome knowing that God's word is timeless simply because He beyond space and time.

    I also love how open you are on your blog! Keep trusting in Him, girl! We all struggle, but talking about it and being open draws us together and closer to Him. I'm thankful for your thoughts you share :)

    xo, gina

  6. I have been dealing with the SAME. EXACT. THING. God has provided for us financially over and over and over again, yet I still make myself sick because of stressing over money. Thanks for sharing this. I need to have a serious heart to heart with God tonight!

  7. LOVE that verse and this is so inspirational - love it!!

  8. Your honesty inspires me because we can ALLLLLLl relate:) Amen! haha, love ya! Katie

  9. SUCH a beautiful, thoughtful post!! I know exactly how this feels. I think it's a bit easy for some of us to "beat up" on the Israelites--especially in the years they were in the desert, but in truth WE'RE ALL in the desert much of the time (of our own volition). I, too, have been struggling with trying to figure it out on my own. I have some health issues that tend to get be twerked out and God has really been speaking to my heart on this matter and telling me to LET IT BE and LET HIM WORK.

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us!