Tuesday, July 16, 2013

the struggle in being single


Lately I've been hesitant to share with you guys what exactly is on my heart and what has been bothering me. It is a topic that I am not too fond of talking about, and it is typically something that I like to ignore. I've decided that I need to remember that being vulnerable is a good thing, and it's okay to share with you guys the things that God has laid on my heart. Plus, I know that the enemy would only want me to stay bottled up and emotionless, and I refuse to do that. I am always so blessed when I read your guys blog posts that I am so easily able to relate with, and I appreciate all of your vulnerability so much. So here it goes: Lately I am really having a hard time being single. My emotions are out of control, and I keep going back and fourth from trusting that God will provide me with an amazing future husband to never getting married and not having a large group of godly friends as I so much desire. I prayed to God, "Lord, if it is not in your will for me to get married, then please take this strong desire off of my heart." Ever since I prayed that prayer, it seems that my desire is actually growing, but thats okay. Maybe the Lord just wants me to trust Him and understand that in my grieving of missing my future husband I can cry out to Him and He will sustain me. Maybe just maybe, God wants me to cry so hard and miss my future man so badly that I will begin to understand that on waiting on His perfecting timing for a future husband, I will see that I am actually in a beautiful place in my life. 

Some days are easier than others. Some days I find it to be the simplest thing in the world to trust and believe that my future husband is out there waiting for me and becoming more and more of the Godly man that I always imagined Him to be. But some days, its just plain hard. Some days, I find myself imagining the worst possible ending for my love life. I imagine myself being single forever, and telling my parents that I have decided to purchase 50 cats. {My mom and I actually laughed at that joke together.} The hardest part is comparing my love life to other girls. Many of the other girls in my life are either dating, engaged, or married. As wonderful as that is for them, I can't help but think to myself that I am lacking something. That me, on my own, just isn't enough. Being single isn't right, and I should be either in a relationship or married by now. I know that that is the biggest lie in the universe, but sometimes I just help but feel it to be true. I have decided that the next time I get really upset and I am missing my future husband, I am going to write Him a letter just as Eric and Leslie Ludy suggested in their amazing book that they wrote on waiting on your future spouse. It's going to be hard in that moment, but I am committing to doing it. I know it will make me feel better about waiting for Him. 

Lastly, I must remember the importance of dying to myself, each and every day. I must force myself to throw off every lie and desire weighed on my heart that God has not yet prepared me to act on yet. I must trust that His plan for my life is better than my own, and I must thank Him that He is guiding me in the best direction for my life. It's not an easy journey at all, but it is so much worth it. I pray that today God would help me to die to myself even more and trust His perfect plan for my life.

Then he said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
Luke 9:23-24

Wherever you are future husband, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you and that every ounce of my being wishes that you were right here next to me, holding my hand. I love you for eternity. 

Now, onto eating some chocolate and watching the Bachelorette with my girl Des (home town date night tonight holler! GO BROOKS, YOUR A BABE!!!!)

Okay sorry for the really random ending, but thats actually what I am going to do.

PS- Do any of you single ladies find yourself struggling with the single life? What about you taken ladies, I know you guys have some good advice that you could share with me on waiting for my future husband!

I love you guys!

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28 comments:

  1. Sweet lady, I know your pain. I had those thoughts many years ago and it was no fun. I actually convinced myself I was just going to be a fabulous aunt to all my sisters kids and friends children. I went out and sadly partied too much, but also ENJOYED being single.

    It's hard not having that ONE person to talk to for sure, but at the same time, THIS IS YOUR TIME! You can do what you want to do and not worry about pleasing someone else as well.

    God works in mysterious ways, I found my Mr. Right in the least likely place three years ago and we will be getting married this fall.

    Continue to pray, God wants to hear what's on your heart, but just TRUST TRUST TRUST! He knows when you will be ready, and it will happen at the RIGHT TIME!

    xoxo

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  2. I struggled with this a lot as a single gal, and even when I was dating, I struggled with wanting to be engaged, and married. I promise that God has every page of your story written, He hasn't forgotten you or your desires. Continue to lean in to him, even when you're full of doubt and fear. I think also its important to remember that your desire is normal. God puts these desires in our hearts as women-he tells us to leave our families, marry, and have children. That desire isn't weird, even if the world makes you feel silly for it.

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  3. Oh Jessica, I feel for you so much right now- because I'm living through the same thoughts and feelings as you are! Know first and foremost that you're not alone. <3 I know that I often feel alone in my regular life, since almost all of my high school friends are dating, and my college friends either are as well or are totally content with being single (not kidding) so it feels like I'm the only one who isn't happy with this stage of my life. That's why I love blogging! So nice to know there's other sweet, sweet ladies like yourself that remind me that I'm not alone.

    As I wrote about in my last blog post, almost every aspect of today's culture convinces gals like us that we need boys in our life to be happy. I do believe that the Christian faith preaches against that, and wants all of us to know that all we need is faith in the Lord. It is just hard to believe that with our whole hearts sometime!

    I have more thoughts on singleness then the ones that I already wrote about, and I think I'm going to do another post on it next week.

    In the mean-time, check out this great blog post that I found on Christian author Dannah Gresh's blog!
    http://purefreedom.org/holding-my-breath-a-smattering-of-thoughts-on-singleness/


    Love you! Praying that God will someday provide you, me, and all the other currently single bloggers with amazing guys, or if that's not his plan, that we would be able to be content in being single and see it as a BLESSING and not a curse. "Singleness is a blessing!" is something that I've been repeating to myself a lot lately!

    xoxo Miss ALK

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  4. Singleness is one of my biggest struggles. Here in the South, it's not uncommon to see 18, 19, 20, 21 year old brides, so to finally be that single 21 year old worries me that no one will be left! Also, my sisters are both engaged to their high school sweethearts and we're all compared to one another.

    This is kind of random, but I can't believe you like Brooks. He always seemed kinda like a jerk to me. I like Chris and Drew more! (And even poor Zak.)

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    1. hahaha, I loved your little comment at the end! Did you happen to see that one preview where it kept flashing back from Drew and then to Des crying and they made it look like Drew was going to do something horrible in the end? Yeah, I'm weird like that and have not forgotten that preview since so i don't trust Drew! He seems to phony to me, kind of like Sean...; ) I was soooo upset about Zak! The poor guy! such a sweetie

      PS- Don't you worry sister, God isn't holding out on you. He is only waiting to give you your BEST. I know I sound a bit of a debbie downer in this post, but at the end of the day I do believe God puts this on our hearts for a reason! Praying for a lovely marriage centered on God in your future! :)

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  5. Jessica, I have been exactly where you are. I never thought I would find the man I was suppose to be with. I dated the wrong guys. I used to joke (to make myself feel better) that I was the "Good luck Chuck" of girls. If you dated me and after we broke up, the next girl you dated, you would marry her. That seriously happened a handful of times. Each time, even though I know that guy wasn't the one, I got hurt and upset and questioned to the Lord. Why haven't I found the person I am suppose to marry? What makes THAT girl so much better than me?? I doubt myself and the Lord. Not my proudest moments. I was also in a very dark place in my life and my life was not where I was suppose to be. I prayed really hard one night if I got accepted into the college down the street from my house, I would only focus on school. I called it my zero boy college graduation project. I was upset I had to move home..leave my favorite college to live at home and go to branch campus of school I did not care to go. But I had to remember it wasn't my plan. I went on a few dates but nothing was ever serious with any one. The week after my last class, I met my soon to be husband. Just remember the Lord has a plan for you. Focus on your relationship with the Lord and school. It will all work out... keep your head up and heart full!

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  6. Jess:) You are so incredibly amazing. I loved how honest and real you were in this post, and was cracking up at the end about the Bach!! Go Des, haha!! Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you that God knows your hearts desires:) He GAVE YOU them:) I was 25 when I met Kev, and we were 27 when we got married, and every day I thank God for him! God's timing is so, so good:) I actually DID meet Kevin a few years before we started dating, and he wasn't walking with the Lord. In those few years, God changed his life and led him to be on fire for the Lord!! So...right now God might just be preparing the perfect man for you:) You'll be so thankful you were patient!!! You are loved and valued and treasured!! love Katie

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  7. Jess.......I'm totally with you on all of this. and You're exactly like me struggling and your emotions all over the place but yet you're still honest and real. Keep venting and getting it all out which is what I tend to do more often than some and it'll happen when God feels you're 100% ready. He will send you your Mr. Right (Your Prince) because you are clearly a wonderful Princess and a blessing!

    https://pinkowl07.blogspot.com

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  8. Here's some more chocolate, a classic chick flick like The Notebook, & a huge hug.
    I am SO there...how many times can I say that? Perhaps it's because of somewhat of a milestone birthday, being a vintage soul & an oldfashioned girl with old-fashioned dreams that bloomed to life at a very young age...or "too many" romance novels. But, at any rate--I completely relate to this, & thru your transparency tinged with perspective, I was blessed. My heart bolstered, fellow single lady.
    There are more great gals like you who are in this same boat...but many unsure of how to go about dealing with it & being transparent about it as it is a very real {& NOT "sinful"} struggle.
    Thank you for this. <3

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  9. Just stumbled upon your blog & am glad I did! Girl, yes, all of us singles struggle with will I be married? won't I? o, please bring him soon, dear Father! {repeat}. It's not easy, but it's possible... I think of Rebecca St. James who was married at 30-something & Kari Jobe single in her 30s, it's possible to live the single life to the full with Christ's power. Here's a link to some of my posts about purity & waiting {I've got a blog devoted to the single life, too, but it's rather small & sad & neglected}...
    http://bessbag.blogspot.com/search/label/Romance%2FPurity
    Blessings,
    -Bess-

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  10. Wow, thanks Jessica so, so much for sharing! I love the idea of writing a letter to your future husband when you're missing him. And also, I never realized that that is exactly what we are doing when we struggle with singleness--we are actually missing a person we haven't (or have) met who isn't here with us now. Thankfully God is! And this fact has helped me have faith that God is writing our perfect love stories. He is faithful and wants to give us the desires of our heart that align with his desires! But I love knowing I'm in a relationship that is part of the most perfect love story: God's love for us!

    I've struggled too with singleness as I have never had a boyfriend, been on a date or anything like that. In high school it was so much harder to bear that fact that I had never experienced the type of love presented so abundantly in our culture today. By the time I got to college, I could put aside my feelings I had in high school and focus on school, my hobbies and interests and meeting new people. I read Lady in Waiting last year for a Bible study and it had some good parts about how God can really use your singleness for good. Singleness gives us time to do more for God. It gives us time to become ourselves in Christ and our future husband to do the same. After really learning that, I just left my love story up to God and decided not to worry about it too much. I think I might be even more anxious or fearful once I find a guy that might I date!

    But still, I totally agree that singleness is hard. Like you said the worst thing is comparing your life with other girls--I can definitely relate to that. I think it's the hardest thing.

    I think it's good that we can open up and be vulnerable about our desires for relationships. It shows our femininity and that God made us women for a reason. I absolutely LOVED what you said about the enemy wanting us to stay bottled up and emotionless. That's something I'm struggling with too. Which is a new subject, but you touched on it a little bit!

    Anyways, again thanks so much for opening up! I pray that God will help you with being single and show you how you can serve him while being single! And who knows, maybe he has someone amazing picked out for you soon :)

    Love ya girl and stay beautiful!

    xo, gina

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  11. Girl I love coming back from my summer trips and catching up on your blog posts. I love how open you are, because I'm always able to relate to you!

    Even though I'm younger than you and I'm still in high school, I totally understand where you're coming from. ALL of my close friends are in some sort of romantic relationship. I'm always hearing about their awesome boyfriend and how he did this and that for them, and I'm just sitting over there like, yeah I really like spending time with my dog. So I totally get where you're coming from! :)

    I just try to remember that the Lord created us to want human connection, and WANT to be in a relationship. That it's not a bad thing that I desire to be in a relationship. I also remember that I'd rather be single, and striving to find contentment in God, and be willing to wait, than to feel empty and totally depend on a guy to fill a hole. I want to be completely content and dependent on God and His presence, before I try to find a guy to fill the place where God would be. It's a process, but that's sorta where I'm standing. if that makes sense...

    Love ya!!

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  12. Yay! I got to catch up on your blog tonight..so nice to do that, sister!

    Amen to keeping calm and trusting He is writing your love story! He so is!

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  13. Same here too. The version of my problem is that I can't, just can't, marry a non-virgin, Christian or otherwise. In no way implicating others, I set it upon myself that it simply is a net negative.

    Yes, I am a virgin, both motivated by the Bible and by class. And I just tell myself each day, "Lord, I really hope I can marry that girl in the 10% of the female population. But if that isn't Your will, so be it. Just please bless me with the means to be much better financial, i.e. a house and an Aston Martin."

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  14. Well, although have been through same emotions for a long time and i must admit that i regret on why i stayed single and not rush like everybody else did. I must assure you that waiting for things to happen via God should *only* be taken as a way to console yourself because you cannot do anything else to change your circumstance. Sorry fellows, i am perfectly religious and believe in God, but i do not think that God has a plan for all of us. I have seen enough grown ups who are single in 30s and in 40s, struggling and compromising to date even the ones who are single as a consequence of cheating on their ex and so on. Fine, God is writing the love story line, but as you may all know that there is a thing called body's biological clock too. So, imagine having your first time in 30s, and we all very well know that scientifically, we are already towards down hill of our sex-lives. Now, how does that tie up with those who enjoyed a full sex life through out their teens and 20s. And then you find somebody in your 30s who was one of these fully active person.

    Like it or not, being single is a misery and should not be glorified in any way. Its exactly like poverty, its harmful, it creates fears and damages self image for ever, and then we pass on these traits to our next generation. I understand that in most cases, being single is not something we can avoid because we do not either have social skills OR not pretty looking OR have the right religious/social openness, but it is a miserable truth which makes us miss on things that we would never be able to recover .

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  15. I completely agree in the fact that it is a struggle being single. I'm 30 and still single. It actually wasn't until a week ago that I heard a sermon by John MacAuthor entitled "Reasons for Remaining Single" in which I am convinced that I have been given the gift from God of singleness. We have put this "standard" on life that if you're not married by 25'ish then you're an outcast and weird or something is wrong with you. But actually in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul (who was single) told the people of Corinth that "if you are bound by a wife, do not seek to be loosed, and if you are loosed from a wife, do not seek to be bound." Basically some people were saying you have to get married, others were saying you must stay single so you can FULLY serve God. Paul, led by the Holy Spirit says, either is fine but it is better to stay single. The reasons can be found in verses 25 to 40 or the end of the chapter. It's not easy, I know. That's how I found this blog, I googled "struggles of being single". Thank you for writing it. It has encouraged me and I pray that my words have encouraged you in some way also.

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  16. I Hope you find him, someday. For, I know it feels like a hell being alone.

    I just had to comment, what you wrote was as taken from my heart. I guess I am not alone on this, doubt...
    I don't know...
    I used to know...
    But the more I "see", the more of my own blindness and ignorance (and selfishness) I discover, and so doubt increases even further. The hardest thing is that I know that God loves me, still I neither love Him nor feel loved. In that alone, it feels like I am sinning, raises doubt further. Then I ask Him for forgiveness, while knowing I am not deserving, doubt +1. It becomes a never ending doubtful and sorrowful circle of pain and misery. Though, doubt is decreased by knowing this is what I deserve, to be forever alone. But it is so hard...
    Never mind, I do not even... Just ignore this. I should not even... Oh, God, it feels impossible... Sigh.

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  17. Oh..i have just been told what i needed to hear. thanks for this beautiful writing! :)

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  18. I hope that one day you find someone. Or better yet that he finds you. It is the guys job to go after the girl. There is one little thing I have noticed when women are evaluating suitors. It is that they are either looking for Paul or they have been waiting so long and their imaginations run wild that no guy could ever be what they feel is the perfect guy. Perfect does not exist in this life except through Christ. No man or woman will be perfect and it is the journey of walking the Christian life together and being a "helper," to each other that makes it all work. Marriage is a struggle with many unforseen obstacles. Just find someone you can tolerate and still adore.

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  19. why did i think you had a boyfriend. guess that was someone else i dont know. But, God will send you a godly man and when he does you wont even see it coming. When you least expect it God will send you true love.

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  20. Beautiful post!! Thank you for being vulnerable. I know how hard it can be. But you are encouraging so many young women and instilling hope, even in the midst of your discouragement and pain. I pray for increased grace, peace, and joy as you walk out this singleness journey. You have not been forgotten. And God knows the desires of your heart. He is so good and faithful. Can't wait to see you with the amazing man God has for you! xo

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  21. Please read the book "Lady in Waiting" by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall - it will change your life. And whenever you grow discouraged of waiting on God, please always read Psalm 27:14 that says, 'Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart.'

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  22. Wow thank you for your vulnerability much appreciated. You will never know how much more okay I feel right now. I'm 31 only single female over age of 21 in my family and friends circle. They all have Bf, husbands, second husbands, or at least a child and I feel out sometimes. BUT I know God has someone for me and I know God's timing is perfect. He has confirmed there is a husband out there for me over and over again. I'm at the point now where I actually laugh at people who pray for me for struggling with loneliness its like they don't understand I'm not struggling with loneliness I sometimes struggle with being alone there is a difference. Sometimes you just wish you had an option of not doing something alone. God is with me all the time so I'm not lonely. I wish people would take the time out to learn and understand instead of just assuming you struggling with loneliness. Your blog really encouraged me today and I love the idea of writing a letter to your future husband:-)

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  23. Hey Jessica! I kind of stumbled onto your blog here. I wanted to encourage you that there are godly men out there who God is molding into men of valor. When the times of lonliness hit, I have found it very helpful to focus on serving several families I know who are in need of help. Since I have no family to invest my life in, I get to invest my life into the people God has placed around me. As I've been focusing more on serving Jesus, my mind has become obsessed with accomplishing the mission Christ has made me for. Seek out and walk in Christ's calling, whether that's single or married. You will want to meet a man who is actively serving Jesus, so it is likely you will meet him as you are fulfilling Christ's mission for you. Keep writing those letters too. The man of God who is brought into your life will greatly appreciate it. Lastly, focus on heaven. This time on earth is so short and then it's heaven with Jesus for eternity. No matter if Jesus leads you to marriage or not, you have forever to spend with Jesus. Lonliness is excruciating and many in this world are experiencing it. There's few things that appear to be more painful, but Christ is coming soon. I'm waiting for that day and no matter how bad things get here, I know heaven will be better. The enemy can tempt you with nothing when you understand that you are heaven bound. Eternity with Christ outweighs every single pleasure on this earth. Keep pressing on Jessica! God delights in you and loves you more than any man ever could. Read Ephesians 5 and think of it through the lens that God views you as an extention of His own body. I think that's the profound mystery that is talked about there. He will care for you, provide for you, love you, and help you through those times of lonliness. You are loves so deeply by an incredible God!

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  24. Thank you for being authentic, vulnerable and sincere. Your words certainly warmed my heart. - 32+ and single

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  25. It's good to remember that Jesus should be the man of your dreams, not some guy.

    Marriage is only a precursor, a representation of what it will be like when we get to Christ. Nothing more. Marriage on earth is a means - not an end. You won't be together forever, just for a while on earth. Then it's on to the REAL prize - Jesus. Whoever he is, you both will be married to jesus in the end. Your marriage will be terminated upon death and the actual marriage that we should be hoping for begins. Every moment I am married, I don't so much think of my wife but I think "I can't wait to leave this world and this marriage behind for the one I really want to be with". And that person is not my earthly wife. It's heavenly Jesus. I am with her now, yes. And that's good. But that will end and she and I will both be replaced with someone better.

    Always remember - your spouse will want God more than you and God wants them more than you do. We are made to be together but only so we can show how much more we are meant to be mutually exclusive with Christ. So look forward to the end of human romance - what a great yet incomplete picture.

    Bluntly put - if Jesus came to me and said "let's go be in heaven right now", I wouldn't even bat an eye at my wife. I would leave her in a heartbeat because Jesus is just so much better. I love my wife dearly. I do. But I love Jesus ten thousand times more. I want him. Not her.

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  26. My break up was confusing the guy gave me mixed signals as to why he wanted to break up. We got into a small argument with me getting mad at him that exploded 3 days later he wanted a break for a week. During that week things escalated between friends and family we started talking things out again over text. It seemed as if he was open to fixing things between us and was asking to talk in person. We were still arguing during the first week of the break about what the other was doing and who they were around. Then about 3 months ago another break up or break came out of nowhere we seemed to be getting things back in track until no matter what I said or tried to do would not keep him. I need to get him back. I order love spells on http://magical-rituals.com and this witch really help me. My lover back to me.

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  27. Hi, I know you wrote this post quite awhile ago but I just found your blog and was looking through the posts. I wanted to thank you for sharing this post. I am in a very similar stage right now and it's great to know that other people feel the same way. So thank you for sharing and for the reminder to just keep waiting, God's plans are better than my own and He has something amazing in store even if that is for me to be single. Thank you

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