giving God my pain

To begin this post: berry picking pictures with Allison from the weekend!

I threw the ball for Marley, laughing to myself as I watched her run after it with such excitement and joy. She's the cutest Labrador ever. 

Then, out out of nowhere, I felt it.

That sinking feeling in my heart. That pain you can't put into words.

A wound from my past that had resurfaced totally out of the blue and un-expectantly from long ago.

I thought this wound was long gone, that somehow, Jesus had "made it disappear." 

But no, somehow, it was still there.

Although from the outside looking in, it may not seem like a big deal it all. After all, its just a situation involving a best friend of the past from high school who out of no where decided to act like I didn't exist one day. 

But, this situation caused me pain. It broke my heart. 

& since I never gave any of this pain to Jesus, it still lies there.

So since that day over the weekend, I have committed to healing this wound in my heart. I'm so tired of running for my past, and wanting to forget about everything that has happened to me. I have realized that is the worst thing I can do. No, Jesus doesn't want me to dwell in the past, but he certainly wants me to grow from it. In order to do that, I must give Him my pain, and choose not to be afraid. 

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61:1-11

Part of me wants to move forward and forget my past, because I don't like thinking about it. I have often wondered why God put me through the things that He did, because I wanted Him to give me a "better story," or a more "cleaned up one." Part of me has never wanted to share my story because I am afraid people will "look down on me" or "feel sorry for me." But today, I've decided that God has called me to share my story, and the more I run from it, the closer He chases me toward it. Theres no getting around it. All I really care about and all that God cares about is that my message gives others hope. That yes, you can experience the darkest pit of depression and anxiety and still be redeemed into a life of joy, hope and peace. And yes, you also can make the mistake of having sex before marriage and be forgiven by Jesus and start all over again. These are two things I have experienced and that I'm sharing with you because I don't want you also to hide your pain of the past from the Lord. I don't want you to be afraid to share your story. Share it, and watch how much hope it brings to the world. 

When I was depressed, I was just plain hopeless. I reached the point of accepting that my life would never again be fulfilling, so it didn't matter what I did anyway with my life. I decided that somehow I would be able to find my answer to fulfillment in other people and things. I was determined to find that fulfillment in people and things. This is why I became involved with drinking in college, sex before marriage, and other things like that. I also had problems with anxiety that were pretty bad as well.

Today? Today I am a different person. I am the opposite of all that above. I am happy, joyful, fulfilled, pure, a new creation...all in Jesus alone. He satisfies me more than anything on this universe. 

"You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
 I will praise you with songs of joy. I lie awake thinking of you,
 meditating on you through the night. Because you are my helper,
 I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings."

Psalm 63: 5-7

It was only 2 days ago when God brought this pain still lingering in my heart to the front stage. I already feel SO much better, and I can feel something beautiful starting in my relationship with Him that I never thought I would experience. I wish it didn't take me so long to figure out both admitting to Him my pain and also sharing my story is a beautiful thing.

I love you guys!

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Love always, Jess